How to behave in a coffee shop:
1. If you are given your purchases at a coffee shop on a tray, keep the tray. Don’t give it back to the people that work there. Keep it. Think about it, if you need a tray to carry it to your table, aren’t the people who work there going to need the tray to carry it all back? It’s quite simple logic really. You just need to think about it.
2. Don’t stuff things into your empty cups. You know the stuff, empty sugar packets, used napkins, bits of rubbish you’ve brought from home, anything, just don’t put it in your empty cup. Again logic will tell us that someone has to pull it out of the cup. If you blow your nose on a napkin it’s gross enough that someone like me will have to throw it away, but don’t make me pull it out of your used coffee cup too. So gross.
3. When you give someone your money, give it them in their hand. Don’t put it down on the counter. If I hold my hand out to you when I need the money, give it me, don’t put it down so I have to pick it up again. What’s the point? You’d be annoyed and think I was rude if I put your change down on the counter right next to your open waiting hand, so don’t do it to me.
4. This one’s a biggie. Always ensure your child has a nappy on if they are not toilet trained. Do not come over and tell me you forgot to put a nappy on her, and certainly do not leave me with the soiled high chair to clean. As previous experience has shown, I will not clean the high chair. It just won’t happen.
5. Don’t make stupid pointless jokes. When I ask is there anything else, don’t say ‘yeah a cheap mortgage if you’ve got one!’, I won’t appreciate it. Another one was a man coming in saying ‘I only came in because I heard you were offering a free cake with every coffee.’ ‘…no, no we aren’t.’ ‘Oh.’ ‘Who told you that?’ The man laughs at this point, ‘I’m only joking.’ He tells me what coffees he wants, I ask if there’s anything else, ‘yeah two free cakes please!’ Fuck off
6. Don’t ‘just use up your change’ or ‘empty your purse/pocket’. Give me some pound coins, give me a note, do not give me 50 pieces of copper and silver. Also, once I’ve put it all through the till and am getting you your change, don’t say ‘can I give you the 10p?’ No you can’t, you’re too late, the till has already processed the transaction.
7. If you come into a coffee shop when it is closed, you will not get served due to the aforementioned fact that they are closed. Once a place closes, you cannot continue buying things, so once a coffee shop closes you cannot just quickly have a coffee. It’s closed. No matter how you ask or what you threaten me with (usually a manager or a complaint) I will not serve you, eventually it will become a matter of principle that I just don’t want to serve you because you’re a twat.
8. Don’t argue with the people who work in a coffee shop. Why would they lie to you? Don’t try to prove them wrong, they aren’t wrong. If I tell you your loyalty card will get you you’re seventh coffee free not this sixth one don’t try to convince me otherwise. I work here, I know when you get a free drink. It’s not now.
9. Don’t rearrange my furniture. The tables and chairs are set out so that it is most convenient for all customers, don’t come to a tiny coffee shop in the corner of a department store with 13 of your closest friends or relatives. Stay at home, go to a restaurant, just stay the fuck out of my coffee shop. You never put the furniture back to where it was do you? Oh no! Wankers.
10. Don’t be moody with me I’m giving you food and drinks. It isn’t a good idea. If you give me shit what do you think you’ll get in return?
Basically don’t do things you wouldn’t at home. Just because you don’t have to deal with it all doesn’t mean no one does. Arsehole.
